Caught in the Softness (In response to dying star by Ashnikko)

I need somethin’ warm, the sun between my bones,

Where whispers cradle me like gentle stones.

You were the tide, pulling me from despair,
A soft promise in the weight of the air.
You were a current, a song in my veins,
While I drifted in shadows, lost in the chains.

You held me like the dawn, unafraid to bloom,
Every heartbeat echoing, chasing the gloom.
I watched you thrash, a fish caught in dreams,
Your eyes like a storm, unraveling seams.
So I gave you my breath, my love like a flame,
In the mud we sank, but I’ll never feel shame.

I asked for the stars, you painted the night,
With down feathers scattered, you turned wrongs to right.
Your laughter was lightning, igniting the skies,
Together we swam, where the wild water lies.
In your embrace, I found solace anew,
With every soft fall, it was always just you.

So let the weeds grow, let the roots intertwine,
For I’m no longer lost, your heart is divine.
Through crooked trajectories, we’ll dance in the fray,
The ground reaching out, guiding our way.
I’m tired of the dirt, but in your love’s glow,
I’ve found my forever, where soft shadows grow.

Anemone

The smell...
It pulled me in,
I fell.
Lika a fish,
Let me swim,
Be my anemone.
They will say,
"His love stung"
They didn't know,
I was made for you.
Just a little longer...
While I memorize,
The smell.
And the way,
Your brain works..
The pitch of your,
Voice...
I can see me,
Protected by you!
.
.
.
.
.
And that kills me
Because,
You will never want me.
I wasn't made beautifully.....

Acid Beach

    I can still remember the way the waves’ hushing soothed me to sleep. Never in a million years could you have come to me and said, “One day you will be on a beach tripping balls.” But what is life if not a long list of things you never believed you would do? I recall every detail: the soft, almost cloud-like feeling of the sand underneath my body holding me while the ocean’s song brought on slumber. Slowly, the wooden walk that stretched above our heads turned soft and plush, leaving me no choice but to hold onto it. My friends passed a joint around, but I was too consumed with the smell of oak, seawater, and burning wood. Filling my lungs, the aromas made refuge in my bones, calming even the deepest feelings of anxiety. Then she kissed me, her familiar scent snuggling up to my ribcage and reminding me why I ever agreed to this in the first place. I could have died on her lips, leaving this earth the only way God ever intended—so happy you could piss yourself, and it wouldn’t even matter. Her arms wrapped around me, and it was as if an angel was caressing me. We were two grown women sitting in a bear hug on the sand at two AM, but none of that mattered because, in addition to the ecstasy and acid in my system, I was full of love that reverberated between us.

My mandala

A burgundy Louis V with long straps and gold accents. The contents ranged from tissues to contacts. Her keys, one for her car, one for her house, but the rest were all charms and a big black pom-pom. A bottle of perfume by Lady Gaga and black nail polish with a bottle of clear coat. Her Michael Kors wallet and ten dollars in cash, but about five hundred in credit. A picture of us tucked where her ID should be and a squished coin from the time we went to Jersey together. A pack of mint bubblegum with only two pieces left. A package of unopened tissues and some dirty ones floating amongst the sea of girly things and loving memories.

I held the bag in my lap in the waiting room, softly praying to whatever higher power to make sure she is okay. I could feel tears coming down my face, but I couldn't care less; I just let them fall and keep coming. I remember when we first met; she was wearing a little black dress and studded black heels. I thought to myself, what a diva dressing up for orientation. She came up to me, and I could see her eyes—a beautiful blue-green galaxy where the stars were only the beginning of their beauty.

“Hi, my name is Chloe, what's yours?”

I could barely breathe, the smell of sandalwood and lilac intoxicating me.

“Eva.”

She smiled at me and put her arm around me, pulling me in close for a picture. I was startled; being so antisocial, this was a very odd situation I was in. It turned out she was going to be my new roommate, and I didn't even know it until the RA gave us two of the same keys.

“Eva?” I looked up from her bag and at the doctor; he looked concerned, and I mentally prepared for the worst.

“She is very lucky you found her. She is awake and asked to see you.”

I followed him down a long, sickly clean hallway and around a corner to room 216. The curtains were pulled closed so you couldn't see into the room, and the lights were dimmed.

“You have thirty minutes; then the psychiatric nurse on duty has to talk with her.”

I opened the door and looked at her lying there; she had dozed off waiting for me to come back. I was so happy to see her breathing, but I could feel the tears coming down with a new urgency. The machine monitoring her heart kept a beat, and I tried to memorize it, so if she ever tried to kill herself again, I could restart her heart.

She opened her eyes and looked up at me; she didn't speak, she just silently stared at me. I ran up to her and placed a kiss on her forehead. She started to cry, shaking and inhaling so fast it seemed as though she was choking. I kissed her, a deep kiss that we held for a long time. I hugged her and whispered in her ear, “Don't ever leave me.” She hugged me back, continuing to cry and shake while she held me.

“I love you so much; I am so sorry.”

I climbed into the bed with her and softly played with her hair. The doctor came in, but he never asked me to leave; he just checked her vitals and left. I fell asleep with my nose in her hair; I could smell her even while I was dreaming.

Chloe wasn't like other girls—like a mirror image, the same but opposite. She looked like your typical mean girl with a bad attitude and too much money; against all odds, she had a heart of gold and a loving soul.

My sight was hazy, and there was a distant sound of singing; entranced, I followed the sound through a sweet blue-hued fog resting around my feet. It was her singing in the shower. Her voice was soft and angelic while water cascaded down her body, the steam enveloping her essence and softly rolling toward me until the fog and steam came together and became inseparable. I felt warm and safe, trusting the warm blue hues to shield me from any harshness and lull me to sleep—

“Haley, please help me! I don't know what I did; I can't stop throwing up; my chest hurts so much!” The shower that once looked so peaceful suddenly grew saucer-sized crimson orbs and white, razor-sharp teeth. The fog around me smelled foul, and I started to choke all the while; she flailed and screamed, thrashing about inside the monster's mouth, begging me to help her. I left all my common sense behind and jumped inside the monster's mouth, and all I could do when I got there was lovingly hold her head and softly stroke her hair. I rubbed her small, soft hands, talking sweetly to her like this was just another lunch date, reassuring her how much I loved her and how silly people who wear sunglasses all the time look. I let out a spine-tingling moan, trying to will this reality to not be real. She just lay there in my arms, barely breathing and unresponsive, while I begged the world to save her.

My whole world was upheaved; figuratively, my body was ripped by the base from the earth like a weed, leaving me in unbearable pain and confusion. Surreal. As if this was merely a fire drill and there was no way this really happened.

I could hear it again, the harsh, terrifying sound of the ambulance and the sudden bullet of silence that pierced my skull. Why was it so quiet? What is happening? Help her, oh God, please help her!

I shot up out of the hospital bed, pouring sweat and surrounded by the defining sound of silence and the soft pitter-patter of goal-oriented shoes. I used to remember what that felt like; fuck, I would kill for any sense of orientation right now—goals or otherwise. I looked over to see her still sleeping soundly, no doubt medicated; she looked peaceful, with her porcelain skin making small, soft heaves as she breathed. I placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and climbed out of the gurney, debating whether or not I would call anyone to let them know I was in the seventh circle of hell or just accept the fact and watch my queen and me be swallowed up by the flames.

             

Winter's lover

Winter time has a hold on me.

From the frozen cherry tree.

Whose love I knew was free.

To warm breezes but not me.

Time promised me a spring bride.

From winter's melting towers stride.

Whose warmth towards me never shied.

Until Fall came forth, chilling my bride.

Have the world's leaves turned?

From the sun's rays, the green burned.

Whose embers’ heat I had learned.

Could the sun forgive my heart?

For turning?

From stride to stumble

as the leaves under me

crumbled.

I asked her to hold me

but winter came

and froze me.

So now when snow falls

I become one with the ground

hoping that beautiful sound

is you.

Unexpected romance

    I knew better when I saw him knocking, the wheels in his head returning, and I could see the mice behind his eyes. I let him in, and he was nothing but trouble. He sauntered towards me with a look of melting ice slowly sinking into the floor around my feet and into the soles of my shoes. It's the middle of December, so it's no wonder my feet are cold. He went to plant a chaste kiss on my lips, and in a very unladylike fashion, I regarded him with a moan. To put it frankly, we were getting into heavy petting while at my brother's pet store, and then, in a not very romantic slam against what we thought was the wall, we let loose the mice. He smiled deviously and started to help me catch them, saying, "Happy 300-day anniversary." I glared at him. "Very funny."