Acid Beach

    I can still remember the way the waves’ hushing soothed me to sleep. Never in a million years could you have come to me and said, “One day you will be on a beach tripping balls.” But what is life if not a long list of things you never believed you would do? I recall every detail: the soft, almost cloud-like feeling of the sand underneath my body holding me while the ocean’s song brought on slumber. Slowly, the wooden walk that stretched above our heads turned soft and plush, leaving me no choice but to hold onto it. My friends passed a joint around, but I was too consumed with the smell of oak, seawater, and burning wood. Filling my lungs, the aromas made refuge in my bones, calming even the deepest feelings of anxiety. Then she kissed me, her familiar scent snuggling up to my ribcage and reminding me why I ever agreed to this in the first place. I could have died on her lips, leaving this earth the only way God ever intended—so happy you could piss yourself, and it wouldn’t even matter. Her arms wrapped around me, and it was as if an angel was caressing me. We were two grown women sitting in a bear hug on the sand at two AM, but none of that mattered because, in addition to the ecstasy and acid in my system, I was full of love that reverberated between us.

ecstasy

I  t
    r
      i
       p
        p
         e
           d
               falling d
                           o
                            w
                            n
                               the rabbit hole.
Hitting my face when I landed.

it felt so good

Alice said there would be tea but, I haven't any room to drink.

I can feel it

Like an ache

An emptiness

I crave it

it soothed me

and now

I pay mommies for a lullaby

It hurts

so fucking good.

Like what nonsense should feel like on your tongue.

Full of wisdom

No words

Before, I had nothing

Now, I have

A Rabbit Hole.

I wrote you what my heart holds.

Take a step and breathe me in.
However you take your vices—
up your nose or through your veins—
don't stop, breathe me in.
He said, "It hurts."
"Don't be such a baby."
You wanted to know how it feels.
Take a step back,
hold your breath,
suck it up,
suck it in.

If these were just numbers, then why are you here?
These bones are hidden
beneath the skin,
so scared of the truth,
you've become thin.
Shhhh, "We don't use that word,"
like the truth is gonna hurt me.
I loved shots as a kid;
shoot me up,
don't stop, breathe me in.

How does it feel?
The short, cold, painful breathing,
like a clownfish.
This pack of menthols
is my sea anemone—
don't stop, breathe me in.

Drugs are bad,
but so is food,
and yet they say you're sick,
and fat people are too.
I guess I was never good at perfection.
I made a home in your bones,
so even when you're cold,
I'll warm you.
Let me love you
like the moon loves the sun.
She warms the day;
He cools the night.
And with the breezes in between,
they breathed life into us—
don't stop, breathe me in.

Let me make refuge in your lungs,
so every empty word
fills itself with hope,
and every bad dream
has a happy ending.
Let my light reach you.
I have a heavy hurt with you.
I love you because I'm trapped,
and with you,
I am free.