Andy's Snow shovel

Harsh quick needles pricking your toes,
stamina in one arm, shovel in the other.
Invisible knives stabbing your nose,
"Come on munchkin, we can't leave this to mother."
Silent resilience resonating with me,
soft
sweet
soothing
'SCRAPE'
Looking up from under the heavy air,
dad hunched over moving the ground with care.
strong
sincere
solid
'SCRAPE'
He falters not trusting his legs to hold him,
underneath his feet the ground is thin.
stable
steadfast
sorry
'SCRAPE'
Persistent in his efforts to conquer the land,
while trusting hate will always loose to a loving hand.
spinning
suicidal
so sorry
'SCRAPE'
Blaming himself for the weather and it's chaos,
tunnel vision blinding, it will consume us.
screaming
staring
stuttering
-
-
-
-
The silence cut through the air suddenly aware I go to his aid,
falling down is hard but, dad taught me all scars heal and soon, even this will fade.

ecstasy

I  t
    r
      i
       p
        p
         e
           d
               falling d
                           o
                            w
                            n
                               the rabbit hole.
Hitting my face when I landed.

it felt so good

Alice said there would be tea but, I haven't any room to drink.

I can feel it

Like an ache

An emptiness

I crave it

it soothed me

and now

I pay mommies for a lullaby

It hurts

so fucking good.

Like what nonsense should feel like on your tongue.

Full of wisdom

No words

Before, I had nothing

Now, I have

A Rabbit Hole.

Winter's lover

Winter time has a hold on me.

From the frozen cherry tree.

Whose love I knew was free.

To warm breezes but not me.

Time promised me a spring bride.

From winter's melting towers stride.

Whose warmth towards me never shied.

Until Fall came forth, chilling my bride.

Have the world's leaves turned?

From the sun's rays, the green burned.

Whose embers’ heat I had learned.

Could the sun forgive my heart?

For turning?

From stride to stumble

as the leaves under me

crumbled.

I asked her to hold me

but winter came

and froze me.

So now when snow falls

I become one with the ground

hoping that beautiful sound

is you.

Dear true self

I feel as though these roots burden my steps, and yet I hold it against you that I cling to the ground.

As if you are to blame for gravity or safety.

Nobody told me how to feel, so I lie awake wondering if this is real.

How the sky is blue or the ocean is deep, or how my heart beats for you.

In that moment, you were not to blame.

You never asked to become my moon and stars.

Yet here I lie, wishing you could read my thoughts

or wanting the world to be what it is not.

I lied to you.

I lied to myself.

But worst of all,

my lie is rooted so deep I don't know what's real.

Maybe I will wake up, and this will all be a dream.

I am afraid.

Because I love this nightmare too much to believe it isn't real.

For every bit of truth I found to be meaningless

and every strength I had to be powerless.

All this time I've spent

willing the ocean to be solid and still

has only left me tired and cold.

The most important piece of myself isn't real

and I'm terrified of that truth.

Because it means I've spent my life being someone I'm not,

and here I am at the beginning of possibility with no direction.

I wrote you what my heart holds.

Take a step and breathe me in.
However you take your vices—
up your nose or through your veins—
don't stop, breathe me in.
He said, "It hurts."
"Don't be such a baby."
You wanted to know how it feels.
Take a step back,
hold your breath,
suck it up,
suck it in.

If these were just numbers, then why are you here?
These bones are hidden
beneath the skin,
so scared of the truth,
you've become thin.
Shhhh, "We don't use that word,"
like the truth is gonna hurt me.
I loved shots as a kid;
shoot me up,
don't stop, breathe me in.

How does it feel?
The short, cold, painful breathing,
like a clownfish.
This pack of menthols
is my sea anemone—
don't stop, breathe me in.

Drugs are bad,
but so is food,
and yet they say you're sick,
and fat people are too.
I guess I was never good at perfection.
I made a home in your bones,
so even when you're cold,
I'll warm you.
Let me love you
like the moon loves the sun.
She warms the day;
He cools the night.
And with the breezes in between,
they breathed life into us—
don't stop, breathe me in.

Let me make refuge in your lungs,
so every empty word
fills itself with hope,
and every bad dream
has a happy ending.
Let my light reach you.
I have a heavy hurt with you.
I love you because I'm trapped,
and with you,
I am free.

Unexpected romance

    I knew better when I saw him knocking, the wheels in his head returning, and I could see the mice behind his eyes. I let him in, and he was nothing but trouble. He sauntered towards me with a look of melting ice slowly sinking into the floor around my feet and into the soles of my shoes. It's the middle of December, so it's no wonder my feet are cold. He went to plant a chaste kiss on my lips, and in a very unladylike fashion, I regarded him with a moan. To put it frankly, we were getting into heavy petting while at my brother's pet store, and then, in a not very romantic slam against what we thought was the wall, we let loose the mice. He smiled deviously and started to help me catch them, saying, "Happy 300-day anniversary." I glared at him. "Very funny."

Tropical island paradise

    It's really hot! What I wouldn't give to have air conditioning again. I hate coconuts! I used to love them; they were my trip to a tropical paradise while casually walking around the mall. But now, all there is to eat are coconuts and fish. I miss a lot of stuff that used to not matter: tap water at 11:30 at night, my cat snuggled in bed next to me, my wedding ring. I look at the sand in between my toes and pretend it's him. He's there, making a home inside me. I start to cry because it's not fair. I start to cry because it's not enough. I pick up the sand with my hands and kiss it, if only that were enough. How my body yearns to feel his touch again, even if only for a moment. I sit in the sand and close my eyes while my hand plunges deep into it. I remember his hands caressing my cheek, and while looking into his eyes, he kisses my lips, leaving my body languid and wanting more.