Thursday, October 17, 2024

Caught in the Softness (In response to dying star by Ashnikko)





I need somethin’ warm, the sun between my bones,

Where whispers cradle me like gentle stones.

You were the tide, pulling me from despair,
A soft promise in the weight of the air.
You were a current, a song in my veins,
While I drifted in shadows, lost in the chains.

You held me like the dawn, unafraid to bloom,
Every heartbeat echoing, chasing the gloom.
I watched you thrash, a fish caught in dreams,
Your eyes like a storm, unraveling seams.
So I gave you my breath, my love like a flame,
In the mud we sank, but I’ll never feel shame.

I asked for the stars, you painted the night,
With down feathers scattered, you turned wrongs to right.
Your laughter was lightning, igniting the skies,
Together we swam, where the wild water lies.
In your embrace, I found solace anew,
With every soft fall, it was always just you.

So let the weeds grow, let the roots intertwine,
For I’m no longer lost, your heart is divine.
Through crooked trajectories, we’ll dance in the fray,
The ground reaching out, guiding our way.
I’m tired of the dirt, but in your love’s glow,
I’ve found my forever, where soft shadows grow.

Emergence

In the shadows, I once lay bound,

A captive of whispers, a prisoner of sound.
But now I rise, a phoenix in flight,
With embers of courage igniting the night.

The tendrils of fear once curled at my feet,
But I stand unyielding, defiant, complete.
With each breath I take, the darkness recedes,
My heart blooms with power, from soil of my needs.

The echoes of nightmares, once haunting my dreams,
Now shatter like glass in the face of my screams.
I gather the fragments, I stitch them with grace,
Each piece tells a story of strength in this space.

The moonlight, a lantern, now guides my way,
Illuminating paths where shadows once played.
I weave through the darkness, no longer a prey,
The night bows before me, my will holds sway.

For I am the tempest, the storm uncontained,
A warrior of light, from the ashes reclaimed.
With branches now trembling, the dark bends and breaks,
For in my own heart, the true magic awakes.

So let them come creeping, let them come near,
With courage as armor, I’ll hold them in fear.
I am the sun rising, the dawn breaking free,
A child turned to warrior, unchained and with glee.

Creeping towards me

     She stands at the edge of my room, clutching the wall like the ruins of a castle. She is floating towards me, her long, thick black hair covering her face and most of her upper torso. Her presence fills the room like a dense fog, crisping the air while simultaneously electrifying it. The chill keeps my eyes peeled back, focused on her small, subtle creepings. The moon lets a sliver of light into my room, casting a ghostly glow on her black, tree branch-like hands that seem to inch closer and closer with every breath. I can feel my pulse in my ears as I pull the thin sheet over my head like a shield, believing if she cannot see me, she would simply melt into the floorboards, never to be seen again. I had no such luck. For months, she and I played this game in the dark—the game of creepy chicken, seeing who would falter first. And, as one might expect from a small child, I slowly stopped sleeping altogether. I feared that if I closed my eyes, the woman would surely steal my soul.

    My body is immobile as the black branches run across the top of my sheet, begging me to scream, but all that escapes is guttural gasping. I can feel my soul clutching a rosary, begging Mary to protect me from the demonic presence tugging at my toes. Pissing all over myself, I use my essence as a deterrent to prevent Evil Dead from touching me. There is no stopping the branches; for every one I break, three more grow in its place, leaving my bed soaked in urine and tears.

    I can hear the floor creak beneath her weight, a cruel reminder that I am not alone in this suffocating darkness. Each sound reverberates like thunder in my skull, and the once-familiar shadows twist into shapes that loom and leer, feeding on my fear. My heart races, a wild drum echoing in the hollow chamber of my chest, as I count the seconds, praying for dawn to break through the window. But the night stretches on, its grip tightening around me like an old friend turned foe.

    As her branches brush against the sheet, I imagine them curling around my throat, squeezing the breath from my lungs. I wonder if the choking feeling is real or just another trick played by my mind, another cruel game of shadows. I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to erase her from existence, but the darkness remains, thick and suffocating. The moonlight, once a beacon of comfort, now feels like a spotlight exposing my vulnerability, illuminating my fear for her to savor.

    Memories of laughter and warmth feel distant, like a mirage fading with the rising sun. I think of the stories my mother used to tell me about brave knights and their valiant quests. Where is my knight? Where is my hero to rescue me from this nightmare? The thought cuts deeper than any branch she could extend, the truth seeping in: I am alone, just a small child against the encroaching void.

    Suddenly, I remember the flash of light that once danced in my room when I pressed my fingers against my nightlight. A flicker of hope, a reminder of safety that now seems like a cruel joke. The world outside my room is full of magic and laughter, but here, in the clutches of the dark, I feel as though I am trapped in a cursed tale, with no chance for rescue. With every breath, I can taste the bitter tang of despair, an intoxicating mixture that feeds the dread coiling in my stomach.

    In an act of desperate rebellion, I muster every ounce of strength I have left. I kick at the branches, feeling the phantom pain of their ghostly grasp. "Leave me alone!" I whisper, my voice barely more than a breath. But the words hang in the air, swallowed by the dark, and she only inches closer, a haunting smile curling upon her lips. I realize then, with a clarity that stings, that this is not just a game for her; it is a game of survival, a twisted dance between predator and prey.

    With a final, trembling breath, I decide to break the silence. I call out to her, not with fear but with a challenge. "You can't have me!" The words echo through the stillness, a flicker of defiance igniting a spark of hope. The branches pause, just for a moment, and in that suspended breath, I see the faintest hint of uncertainty in her dark eyes. Maybe, just maybe, the darkness is not as powerful as it pretends to be. Perhaps the light still flickers somewhere, waiting to be found.

    I hold my breath, suspended in that moment, daring to hope that my words have carved a crack in her shadowy facade. The air thickens, a tangible tension stretching between us as if the world itself holds its breath, waiting to see which of us will break first. The black branches hang in the stillness, quivering like the wings of a trapped bird. And for the first time, I sense a flicker of hesitation from her, as though she is pondering her next move in this macabre chess game.

    But then, like a puppet on invisible strings, she lunges forward, a blur of darkness that threatens to engulf me whole. I scramble backward, heart racing, the bed a flimsy island in an ocean of dread. I feel the edges of reality blurring, the room warping into a distorted nightmare. Desperation wells up within me, and I clutch the rosary tighter, its cool beads a fragile comfort against the encroaching evil. “I am not afraid of you!” I shout, louder now, my voice trembling with unspent fear and rising anger. “I will not let you take me!”

    In response, she lets out a low, mocking laugh that reverberates in the hollow corners of my room, chilling my bones. It’s a sound that pierces through the veil of terror, shattering my resolve for just a moment. But I refuse to let it crush me. The warmth of defiance ignites within, spreading like wildfire, consuming the tendrils of fear that threaten to pull me under. I gather the remnants of my courage, each heartbeat thrumming with a resolve I didn’t know I possessed.

    “Leave this place!” I command, my voice growing stronger with each word, a newfound power coursing through my veins. I envision the light from my nightlight growing brighter, an ethereal beacon shining through the darkness, pushing her back, pushing her away. The branches shudder and recoil as if my words have actual weight, tangible enough to be felt, to create distance. I refuse to let her extinguish my flame, and I can almost feel the edges of reality shifting, reshaping around my conviction.

    The moon’s glow strengthens, illuminating the room with a purity I had long forgotten existed. Shadows retreat, collapsing into themselves, losing their power as I stand firm against her. She stares at me, her eyes dark pools filled with rage and confusion, and for the first time, I see the cracks in her facade. I wonder if she can sense my resolve, the flicker of light that refuses to die. I realize that in this battle of wills, I am not just a frightened child—I am a warrior of light, unyielding and fierce.

    In a final act of defiance, I throw off the covers and sit up, my posture straightening, a warrior ready to fight. “You may haunt my nights, but you will never own my soul!” I declare, the words spilling from my lips like a mantra, grounding me in my truth. With every repetition, I can feel her presence falter, the branches quivering, losing their grip. Maybe, just maybe, I can reclaim my power, banishing her to the shadows from whence she came.

Angel Spider Sees

     While he injected himself into me like a microchip beneath my skin I thought maybe I wasn't myself at all. Maybe I was the angel in the farthest corner of the darkest crevice in the bathroom. I was floating there watching with eight large eyes surrounded by rings. If I wanted to I could have crawled down and bit him right in the eye so he could see things from my point of view but, the water turned cold and my piss turned red and the angel turned into a spider. Small, weak, and riddled with large black eyes that seemed to stare directly into my soul. They stared like they had never seen anything so gruesome in their life but I didn't scream. I am still afraid of spiders but not of old weaselly men who reek of Marlboro's maybe I didn't learn the lesson that God was trying so desperately to teach me. The lesson of lifeless eyes and "ultraviolence".

    As I floated in that cramped, grimy space, the shadows twisted and swayed, weaving grotesque patterns that danced along the stained tiles. My skin prickled as he leaned closer, his breath a sickly blend of smoke and decay, dripping with stories I never asked to hear. I could almost taste the bitterness in the air, like spoiled fruit rotting in the sun. I watched, suspended in that bathroom’s darkness, my body a ghostly remnant of something once vibrant and whole. But what was whole? Was it the girl who giggled under the stars or the specter of regret lurking behind my dilated pupils?

    The spider—the angel turned traitor—scuttled across the floor, each leg a reminder of how small I felt. I imagined it whispering my secrets, my fears, broadcasting them to the weaselly man, who now grinned with yellowed teeth. “You think you’re safe?” he croaked, his voice grating against the fragile walls of my mind. I wanted to deny him, to scream that safety was a mirage, an illusion spun by hopeful hearts and naïve dreams. But the words tangled in my throat, choking me with the weight of my own silence. Instead, I was the mute observer, reduced to nothing more than a spectator in a theater of horrors.

    Behind the grimy mirror, my reflection flickered—a twisted version of myself, eyes wide with terror, the irises swallowed by darkness. It seemed to beckon me, to drag me back into its liquid depths. Perhaps that was where I truly belonged, submerged in a void where pain and joy coalesced into a murky haze. I wanted to plunge in, to dissolve and float away, far from the man with his sickening laughter and the suffocating stench of despair. But the spider crawled ever closer, its multitude of eyes reflecting my own flickering spirit, urging me to confront the beast that had wrapped its claws around my heart.

    I felt the walls closing in, the bathroom morphing into a prison, each tile a reminder of my confinement. I wanted to shatter the mirror, to unleash the fragments of myself trapped behind glass, to let them scatter into a million pieces. But all I could do was watch, paralyzed, as the weaselly man leaned back, his grotesque smile stretching wider, the lines on his face deepening like scars etched by a cruel artist. He whispered promises of ecstasy laced with agony, and for a moment, I wondered if he spoke the truth. Was it ecstasy to drown in darkness? Was it freedom to yield to the monster that lurked just beneath the surface, waiting to swallow me whole?

    I closed my eyes, summoning the memory of light, of warmth—the feeling of sun-drenched skin and laughter that didn’t taste like ashes. But the spider persisted, weaving webs of doubt and despair, its dark little heart beating like a metronome, reminding me that time was slipping away. The cold water wrapped around my ankles, and the red stained the white, a watercolor masterpiece of anguish. And as the weaselly man reached for me, the last shred of angelic defiance flickered in my chest.

I am so FUCKING HAPPY!

 I am so happy I cant feel my tears,

I am so happy I forgot all my fears,

I am so happy I barley bleed,

I am so happy you can't see me.

I am watching myself slip through my fingers

she was here and now shes gone

I guess she'll never be mine

and in the meantime she's robbing me blind

too many contenders to have a prayer

and their mouth agape as they stare

I am so happy I never complain

I am so happy everything isn't lame

I am so happy I cut a smile into me

So you can see me grin from cheek to cheek

I am so fucking happy I may never stop laughing

I am so fucking happy 

Cant you tell?

By the way I smile you'd never believe we are in hell.


Monday, February 4, 2019

Mean music

I fell in love with a thin boy
Whose bones were like a xylophone.
I played loving notes on them until he asked,
"How's it back home?"
My heart raced,
Pounding in my head.

Back home, Dad "watched our weight."
So when the vultures come back, all they find is bones,
Claiming my beautiful fair skin could’ve gotten me first place
If it weren’t for my ridiculously large ass.

He says, "That is so mean."

Mean.

Mean, he says...

Mean is when your mere presence incites cruel laughter
That turns everyday citizens into monsters.

Mean is the never-ending list of names they gave me
So I could have something to carve into my grotesque stomach with a razor.

Mean is when you hold your breath
Because if they can’t hear me, maybe they can’t see me.

Mean.

Mean, he says...

Mean is when every day is a living hell,
And even though you have begged God to end your suffering,
He has granted you another day of breathing.

Mean is the cruel joke that I am only pretty if I am thin
But I am supposed to eat every day.

Mean is the endless exercising and dieting I do
In hopes of being seen as human in the eyes of the world I live in.

Mean is the tampons they tied in my hair
To warn me that staying fat was going to get me in trouble.

Mean is the popular boy asking you out as a joke
Because it is hilarious to see a heart swoon
At the thought of such an absurd impossibility.

Mean is the food that was dumped on my tray
As children finished eating, like a trough for a pig.

I'm crying
Because I know all too well what mean is.

"I think you are beautiful," he says.

The tears are flowing down my face;
I always loved music, but my body will never sound like yours.

He smiles, "But you, my dear, are so much more than an instrument."



Sunday, November 25, 2018

Pain is personal.

She is full of sparks;
Everything she touches ignites.
These are not feelings—
All these beings.
Asked to see the best,
Yet criticized for lack of rest.
How could she sleep?
These beautiful stars,
Heartfelt songs,
Everything coloring her skin.
Drifting, saturated.
The blank canvases are overwhelmed by her color;
She drifts further.
Why can't you see the world like I do?
When did beige become so fulfilling?
I want to hold hands,
Let our colors collide;
I don't want to hide.
Those few thought-provoking seconds are never enough.
I have books on my brain.
My heart hurts;
She hurts often.
Such a wonderful world,
And she is wrong for loving it?
They want plastic flowers
Instead of these live roses.

Copyright 2018 THMelton