ecstasy

I  t
    r
      i
       p
        p
         e
           d
               falling d
                           o
                            w
                            n
                               the rabbit hole.
Hitting my face when I landed.

it felt so good

Alice said there would be tea but, I haven't any room to drink.

I can feel it

Like an ache

An emptiness

I crave it

it soothed me

and now

I pay mommies for a lullaby

It hurts

so fucking good.

Like what nonsense should feel like on your tongue.

Full of wisdom

No words

Before, I had nothing

Now, I have

A Rabbit Hole.

Winter's lover

Winter time has a hold on me.

From the frozen cherry tree.

Whose love I knew was free.

To warm breezes but, not me.

Time promised me a spring bride.

From winter's melting towers stride.

Whose warmth towards me never shied.

Until Fall came forth chilling my bride.

Have the world's leaves turned?

From the sun's rays the green burned.

Whose embers heat I had learned.

Could the sun forgive my heart?

for turning?

From stride to stumble

as the leaves under me

crumbled.

I asked her to hold me

but, winter came

and froze me.

So now when snow falls

I become one with the ground

hoping that beautiful sound

is you.

Dear true self

I feel as though these roots burden my steps and yet I hold it against you that I cling to the ground.

As if you are to blame for gravity or safety.

Nobody told me how to feel so, I lie awake wondering if this is real.

How the sky is blue or the ocean is deep, or how my heart beats for you.

In that moment you were not to blame

You never asked to become my moon and stars.

Yet here I lie wishing you could read my thoughts

or wanting the world to be what it is not.

I lied to you

I lied to myself

but worst of all

my lie is rooted so deep I don't know what's real.

Maybe I will wake up and this will all be a dream.

I am afraid.

Because I love this nightmare to much to believe it isn't real.

For every bit of truth I found to be meaningless

and every strength I had to be powerless.

All this time I've spent

willing the ocean to be solid and still

has only left me tired and cold.

The most important piece of myself isn't real

and I'm terrified of that truth.

Because it means I've spent my life being someone I'm not

and here I am at beginning of possibility with no direction.

I wrote you what my heart holds.

Take a step and breathe me in.
however you take your vices
up your nose or through your veins
don't stop, breathe me in.
He said "it hurts"
'Don't be such a baby'
you wanted to know how it feels.
take a step back
hold your breath
suck it up
suck it in.
If these were just numbers then why are you here?
these bones are hidden
beneath the skin
so scared of the truth
you've become thin
Shhhh 'we don't use that word'
like the truth is gonna hurt me
I loved shots as a kid
shoot me up
don't stop, breathe me in.
How does it feel?
the short, cold, painful breathing
like a clown fish
this pack of menthols
is my sea anemone
don't stop, breathe me in.
Drugs are bad
but so is food
and yet they say your sick
and fat people are too
I guess I was never good at perfection.
I made a home in your bones
so even when your cold
I'll warm you
let me love you
Like the moon loves the sun
She warms the day
He cools the night
and with the breezes in between
they breathed life into us
don't stop, breathe me in.
Let me make refugee in your lungs
so every empty word
fills itself with hope
and every bad dream
has a happy ending
let my light reach you
I have a heavy hurt with you
I love you because I'm trapped
and with you
I am free.